Finally a positive, finally some HOPE

The fertility Doctor let us explain everything and then said It sounds like you have a rare case called aromatase enzyme deficiency... He said if Kris does have this, then Kris will be his first case. HE gave Kris some Metformin for his pre diabetic issues and then another medication that will get rid of all his estrogen and in turn build the testosterone and sperm, We will go back in October to check his blood work and SA.. and if all is good, BABY MAKING TIME. So excited yet nervous but Happy with this new doctor and his knowledge and drive to want to help. :) I sure hope this is it. He said kris will lose the weight and he will begin to start feeling better real soon. :) SO HAPPY

Good news

KRIS DOES NOT HAVE KLINEFELTERS... YAY... Kris isnt as happy as i am because he still doesnt know whats wrong with him and he just wants a diagnosis.... but OMG im in HEAVEN.

Now just waiting till this afternoon for the fertility appt

Getting ready for the future

Ok, Tuesday is our new Fertility Appointment. If in fact we are told there is NO CHANCE to ever have our own biological child, We will choose Adoption or Donor sperm. So as crazy as I am, Ive put together our adoption video once we deal with an agency, It will already be done, ( and thats how I spend my Saturday nights lol)

Results yet again

Endocrinologist called, the results came back Kris didnt have Klinefelters. YAYYY....BUT.... said he is 80 percent sure he DOES and they might have missed it. OMG!!!!! He says this because he has already done every test known to do and everything has came back negative, So Kris said we will do another blood/karotype test to see for sure. I mean its always something, it cant ever be a FOR sure answer. Still the Doctor is saying that we could pass it on to children. At this moment to help Kris feel better, he is getting on Testosterone shots. That will kill any sperm he has, but if he already doesnt have any... What will it hurt, PLUS I want my husband to FEEL better. We do have a Dr appt with a new Fertility Dr on july 19th. Im so excited because I've heard alot of good things about this doctor. Kris still isnt taking this well, Im suprisingly optimistic for some reason. WE shall see. Im really hoping things start looking up. :)

Wonder what the Future holds

We are still waiting on the Bloodwork to see if Kris has klinefelters or not. Either way its bad news, If it is Klinefelters, yes we have FINALLY figured out what is wrong, on the other hand... biological children really wont be a realistic thing, and Kris will never be 100 percent better as far as health wise. On the good side, we will be able to move forward with getting kris on Testosterone shots and we can move forward with starting a family, what ever it takes.. If it comes back that its NOT Klinefelters, then we will move forward and go to MAYO and start the process all over again..... So either way its not good in our eyes. Its so hard to WAIT. seems like thats all we do. Its depressing. We both are on this emotional rollercoaster. Its very hard to deal with. I was in the grocery store today and saw a woman loving on her little baby, it made me smile and tear up at the same time. I wondered if she had trouble having that baby and if that was her miracle child. I suddenly felt very lonely and ready to go home. This happends alot. When will I feel ok. When will I accept this. We have talked to the Doctor and feel its a good idea to see a councelor. That will help with our emotions and help with how we are coping. Im actually kind of excited. I need someone to talk to....

Never ending.....

EEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ( thats my buzzer lol) WRONG! It was NOT testicular cancer. Not that we wanted it to be, but its like OMG when will we figure out whats wrong with my husand. Now the Endo DR is saying the last thing it could be is Klinefelter syndrome... Which he told us if it is, we will never be able to have our own biological children. Ive read differently online but thats another topic. Kris is going this week to do the Karyotype blood test and who knows how long thats going to take to come back.. UGHHHHHH. Not only that, the real important horrible thing is, the DR said if it is Klinefelters that he will never be 100 perecnt better. he will always deal with low energy and never have the testosterone of his age..
Once we get this blood work back we will be able to make our decision, if it is Klinefelters, We will talk to the RE about ICSI/IVF.... but really who can afford that. But hubby is all for Adoption and very open to DS. So we have some talking to do.. If Bloodwork comes back and its not Klinefelters then we are going to MAYO clinic. We both are still depressed and barely hanging in there in our own bubble, but Ive been super busy with working at two hospitals so it hasnt been to bad. Just so nervous and ready to know the future. I know it will all work out but still dont know WHY us? and then i have friends who have Oppps babies and write me to say i cant ask god why.... REALLYYYY!!!! I really do cherish those friends who have went through the storm to recieve there beautiful gifts and have the right words for me and kris. :) It brings a little peace to my heart.

Something new

Kris and I have been dealing with alot lately so we really havent been worried about our infertiliy. But of course we are still concerned about his Health. So after another ENDO dr appt, We started all over with Blood tests, and Sugar tests and 24 hour pee tests and sleep studies and even wanted Kris to do another MRI of the brain just incase they missed something on the first one. Well the Dr just called Kris and said the Blood work shows that we need have a Ultrasound of his testicles. That He thinks he may have a Tumor. A estrogen producing tumor. Which is why he has the low testosterone and high estrogen and the knots in his boobs and the loss of sperm. I researched about it and its called a leydig cell tumor. As horrible as that sounds, Kris and I both are praying that is what it is, Bc most often these are benign and can be removed with out even removing a testicle. And also after removal of the tumor fertility is restored. So we shall see... :) Glad this DR has looked into everything. Please keep us in your prayers.

Happens every time....

Happen to turn the TV on to JOEL OSTEEN and of course yet again..... the message hit me. Guess God hasnt given up on me which makes me feel so much better....

Jesus said in John 14:27, “I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”
We all face difficult situations and seasons. It’s not a matter of if we face them, but when. And when we do, God has His gift of peace to sustain us and carry us through.
Like the eye of a hurricane offers a stillness and calm to those caught in the midst of the storm, God’s peace will keep you sustained, lifted, and encouraged during life’s adversities. There may be a raging storm today in your health, your finances or your family, but instead of being torn apart, you’ll find right in the center of your storm there is a place where you can stand still and find rest in God.
Are you facing a storm in your life right now? Receive God’s peace and let it sustain and empower you. As you do, you’ll experience a deep sustaining strength and confidence of God’s good plan for your life!

Could you imagine

Effects of low testosterone in men may include: (THIS IS FOR LOW TESTOSTERONE like around 250- so when your husband has 45-168 but it should be 800-1000.... just imagine how worse these symptoms really are, and EVERYTHING on this list he has..... How would you feel?


Poor libido (Low or NO sexual desire)
Fatigue- always tired...ALWAYS
Muscle loss/atrophy
Erectile Dysfunction
Increasing abdominal fat
Glucose intolerance (early diabetes)
High Cholesterol/Lipid
Poor sleep
Difficulty concentrating
Memory Loss
Severe Depression
Anxiety
Psychological and relationship problems
Gynecomastia (large breast with knots)
Hot flashes so strong you throw up
Loss of bone mass (osteoporosis)
Irritability
Infertility
Shrinking of the testicles
Decrease in firmness of testicles
Achy muscles
Liquid stools
Night sweats
Dry skin

Down and out

Trying not to let the devil get to me, trying to put on my big girl panties and snap out of it, but its hard. No one..... No one understands what kris is going through. Its hard to talk to anyone because they truly dont understand and and Im so tired of everyone saying It will happen just relax, or stop stressing.. ARE YOU KIDDING ME...... Can anyone just LISTEN and not say anything. I understand if you havent been through this or been through severe depression, but dont talk to me about it. You have no clue. Its not just about a baby... Of course that is another stressor of course we want a baby but I WANT MY HUSBAND TO GET BETTER..... thats my goal. I want him to be his self again. I want him to not go through all these horrible symptoms and just have one dr who really cares or take it serious. Im tired of being the strong one. im tired of carrying all this on my shoulder. Im not strong like some women.... im weak.. im sensitive. Im lonely. Im helpless. I am so tired of this feeling.
we go March 16th to the second opinion.... and im going to rip into this Dr and explain IM NOT LEAVING until this DR really listens and CARES.
Im not in a good mood today- I feel like God has givin up on me. What have we done so bad to deserve this.We got married, went to school and then tried for a baby... only to find out my husband has to go through all of this.... God blessed 18people.... YEs 18 woman that i know are pregnant right now, so why do all of them get blessed and we dont. I know I should be happy for them, and I am but its hard to know Gods plan. I just feel like God has given up on us... I feel so alone.

Im tired of putting on a fake smile to face the world. Im mad. Im angry and I am tired of not being normal anymore. I want to be happy again. I want to enjoy my husband and enjoy a 9 month pregnancy. Is that to much to ask for? REALLY

I think its hit me hard because Im not in school anymore, Im dont have alot going on anymore so its more time to think about it and research and dwell on all this.
I have faith in God, but right now Im angry. I want to be in that place of peace. The place where Im ok not knowing what the future holds, and that all my faith is in Gods hands and I dont have a care in the world. I want that more than ever. I have my good days and my bad days... but I want to be strong. Why cant I be strong

Ahhh let this be it

Ok so after a really long time researching different meds that can help kris, I called the RE and talked to the nurse and explained we cant afford 7200 dollars for 4 months of medication. So I said Ive been doing a little research and I found a breast cancer medication, tamoxifen that is also used to help sperm count and testosterone for men. She said yeah we carry it. I said well I would like to see if my husband can use that instead of menopur. She said she would ask the dr and get back with me. Well she called back the very next day and said the Dr said that was a great IDEA and good job with the researching. So the best part about this medication is... it does the same thing as menopur and clomid but INSURANCE covers it bc its a Breast cancer medication and not a Fertility medication... So i paid a whopping 12 dollars for a whole months supply of it.

Kris is still skepitcal which is understandable, but im just so proud of myself for researching this and also staying on top of the doctors.. ( tooting my own horn sorry) lol but i have a huge smile on my face... I really hope this helps... But we are going to a second opinion at a new ENDO dr office and Im going to bring this medication up. Usually ENDO doctors want to treat low testosterone with Androgel which didnt do much for kris and it killed all his sperm, so we are going to go in there explaining we want a medication that will WORK for kris but also allow us to have a family.

praying and hoping this is the answer...

Needs prayers

Talked to Dr. He ACTUALLY wants kris on 2 vials of menopur every other day for 4 months thats 120 dollars every other day.. not 60 as we originally thought..which was still expensive... thats a grand total of 7200 dollars.REALLY??? we dont have that... even if i saved forever we wouldnt have that... It like nothing ever goes right.. Nothing! Im still keeping the faith and know whatever happens, happens.... BUT its annoying how there is always a mountain in the way... ALWAYS...
I know everyone else has problems in this world too. but its seriously like everyone and i mean everyone is BLESSED with a healthy husband and is blessed with a baby...or two.
We are good people. ( Sorry Im in a really bad mood)

Nothing New.... Insurance wont accept Menopur.. UGH we need it to make Kris feel better and to get him producing more testosterone and more sperm. We are going to get a second opinion at another ENDO dr. I still dont understand how they havent done a CT on his abdomen just to check his adrenals and pancreas. I know Dr's have tons of patients but why cant you TRY really hard to figure out whats going on with kris, Why cant you want to FIX him right away.

When your at a kid birthday party and there is tons of newborns around and tons of kids running around and your husband tells you that he wishes you could be holding a baby too and that it kills him to see all these little kids, it really hurts your heart, as if its not already hurting... He wants to be a daddy so bad. Im so ready too. We talked about adoption some more and I really want to do it. Even if we have a child on our own, I would love to adopt. Maybe thats why we are going through this...to put that on our hearts. I even told my 16 year old cousin who goes to a highschool that has tons of teenage girls walking around pregnant...that if any of those girls dont want there babies, that i will adopt them and we can go through a private lawyer. Yes, I know, its bad.

Our Fertility dr is having a seminar feb 24th and is giving away a free IVF as a door prize.. Kris and I dont have much luck but we are willing to go and just pray really hard we get it. Even if we dont, atleast its going to someone who really needs it too. :)


BTW, I love love love my new job. Ahhhh the people are so awesome. have you ever went some where and just felt so right... these people are so cool and drama free and Love love love to work hard and also appreciate everyone.. Its just a different atmosphere than im used to and I actually enjoy going to work... haha.



Kris and I started the Love dare. We are on day 3. Its going good. :)
If you have never seen Fire proof. Go see it and do the love dare. Its for any couples.



we are still optimistic that something will go our way this year. Im learning to let go and let god. He has a plan and even though it drives me crazy that he wont let me in on it. I know that he wont let us down and he knows what he is doing and it gives me comfort knowing that. :)




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ&feature=related

True Blessing

A friend of mine Ive known since 2005 from a wedding planning blog, who went through Fertility issues and is now blessed with being pregnant with twins at 13 weeks from her second IUI is going to send me her left over meds, WHICH happens to be the same EXACT meds Kris needs that insurance wont cover. OMG. It will be enough for a week. Which is worth 240 dollars all for FREE. What a Blessing! Not only that but she sent me the most amazing POEM. She said it helped her and when I read this, I cried and cried. It all makes since and I know its all in Gods hands.

WAIT

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."


"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.


"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.


"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."


Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"


He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.


"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.


"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.


"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.


"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.


"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.


"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

DEAR SANTA

Please bring me a nice Positive pregnancy test! Im not asking for a new expensive watch that I will wear twice and then lose, im not asking for a closet full of new clothes (which I really need) Im not even asking for a new SUV that i so desperatly want.... I just would like one FREAKING Sperm to fertilize my egg. I think Ive been pretty good this year considering all the shit that has happend. Ive dealt with everyone around me getting pregnant and even showed excitment for them.... even though that can be hard to do expecially for the ones who dont deserve it AT ALL, Ive watched my husbands awesome,funny energetic personality die right there on the living room floor because he has no testosterone... Ive dealt with an immature stupid brat who lied so I wouldnt get the job I wanted more than anything.. Ive had to deal with a family who has never dealt with infertility and really needs to take a class on GIVING A SHIT. Ive dealt with people saying " it will happen" just relax" Dont think about it" and NOT once did I cuss them out! Ive watched my husband go through hell and back, poking himself with needles full of medication for the last 3 months, going back and forth to the Dr, Only to hear that he needs to go on even more expensive medication... REALLY SANTA can we catch a break??? We have been through a rough year, and All I can say is.... IM OVER IT! 2010 YOU SUCK. yes Im glad to be alive and that nothing truly tragic has happend, Im blessed for being healthy and having great people that are hear for us, Im thankful for alot in my life.. But this year really left me bitter. yay I graduated, one thing GOOD out of 2010.. Oh but wait I cant even find a F-ing Full time job so Nope... not that either.
Just one Miracle Santa.. Ill never ask for a single thing again. Please!

No news is good news.

Kris is still doing good! Still not 100% but he is slowly getting back to normal. He likes to go,go,go some days.:) I would say before he felt 20% and now he is at 60%... I just see a good change in his personality. Thank the LORD. Its been a long journey and even though we are not even close to being over, Positive news is such a blessing. Funny Story, I was gaining weight and thought..JUST WHAT IF I WAS Pregnant.... so I took a test, then put it on counter while I was brushing my teeth and it fell in the sink, and I looked at it..it had to lines. OMG I was freaking out... Took another one later and it said negative... took one the next morning and peed all over it and it didnt even show up the control line haha, So for about 4 days I was freaking out thinking OMG WHAT IF...until ol aunt flo came to visit... (bitch) i mean who gets false positives. Well... (waving hand) I do. UGH... haha it was horrible. I read up on false positives and I guess its called a Evaporation line maybe bc it dropped in the water, IDK I call it evil!! Seriously knew I wouldnt be, But a part of me didnt want to not have faith in God. I have a peace about everything, That doesnt mean it still doesnt hurt every now and then, but I know it will happen one day just not TODAY. I feel super Blessed with what I do have and know that When its time, it will happen. I made a CD that has a bunch of uplifting songs on it and a few 80's songs that make my day. ( I love love love the 80's) Anytime Im down, I listen to the Cd and Dance, then some songs I get out a good Cry, but its seriously a stress reliever. It helps me get through the day alot easier. Nothing new really going on. Still havent heard back from the Insurance Company about the expensive medicine. But hopefully it wont be to much longer. We are going to do a Sperm Analysis in January and see where we are at. Hopefully I stay in this peaceful mindset until then :)

On the right track...

So far so good. Since thanksgiving Kris has been feeling good. Not Great still, but good. Hot flashes here and there but no where near like before. YAY so glad. He has been in better moods and has had a little more energy. Still waiting on the appeal from the insurance company to go through so he can start on the other meds as well. Also I got another PRN job, this makes #3 haha. Baptist South Hospital. YAY im so excited. Feeling good about things and praising God like crazy.

Giving Thanks........and more

Im thankful for alot of things. Thankful for the things that I do have and Thankful for another day. Kris and I went to Live oak, Fl to spend thanksgiving with his dad & family. I love it out there. So peaceful. Actually even woke up this morning and went black friday shopping with my cousin who needed to shop for her 4 kids. Never will I do that again. It is crazy out there. lol
Im trying to decide if I should put up the tree or not. Im really not in the mood this year. In all my years on this earth, I would have to say this year has been the worst. Im so sick of feeling so down, but its hard. I went to church to repent of my sins and ask God for forgiveness and cried and cried last sunday. Really looking for a good church but havent found one that really speaks to me. I dont want to go to a church that makes you feel like your a horrible person, I want to go to an uplifting church that is like JOEL OSTEEN on tv.
Im hoping and praying things get better. I have faith but when bad news just constantly comes our way it gets old. I just wish I knew why kris still doesnt feel good and why it never gets easier... Giving up isnt an option, but omg this is rough. Wishing I was like some woman who face things head on and make it into a positive situation. Everyone says im strong, but im not at all. Im tired of seeing my husband miserable, Im tired of seeing him depressed when I know that isnt like him at all, Im tired of hearing bad news, Im tired of the expensive medicine, But knowing it could be so much worse makes me appreciate THE STORM we are going through right now. Really praying hard these days for strength..

Results are in...........

Old testosterone: 45
On and Off Androgel for 3 months, testoserone level: 68
HCG meds from Fertility Doctor after 6 weeks, testosterone level: 168

168 isnt HIGH by any means... IT SHOULD BE 800. But from 45 to 168. Ill take it. Kris still doesnt see how its up because he doesnt feel better.. But I think he is just experiencing side effects from the HCG shots, along with all his vitamins he is taking.

Prayer request: Please pray for his insurance to cover the new medicine the Doctor wants to put him on. Its stronger than the HCG. Its called Menopur, HMG. He will take this every other day. The cost 60 dollars a shot, every other day that equals very..... EXPENSIVE on top of the 300 dollars a month I already pay for his HCG shots. The Dr called insurance to get them to accept it not for fertility issues, but for his own well being and health, they denied it. So the DR is appealing it. We will know in 30 days.

The Doctor said it should have went up alot more in these past 6 weeks than just 168,
I agree but Im HAPPY and THANKFUL it went up Period. Im thinking I might wait to do the Semen Analysis till the begining of next year since it didnt go up enough to make a big difference in sperm production.

Taking ONE day at a time, Waiting in hope and being Thankful for what we do have :)

My great weekend.

My Little cousin annalise had her 2nd bday party!!!! Here are some Pictures.

Bloodwork..... please be good!

Kris went to the dr today to get Blood work done. The Dr wasnt even there to talk to him so he wasnt able to tell anyone how he is feeling. But luckly for us, he has been feeling ok the last two days. I cant wait to get the blood work back. IM BEING REAL POSITIVE RIGHT NOW and I KNOW IT WILL COME BACK WITH HIGHER TESTOSTERONE LEVELS. (please)

I went to work today at my other PRN job, and I really enjoyed it. YAY. I have to work at the first PRN job all next week and even have another interview for a Big local hospital on friday . YAY!!! BRING ON THE HOURS. I love what I do.

I was looking over my blog, and every other post is debbie downer and then positive polly,lol If I was reading this as an outsider, I would swear I was bipolar. But Im not I promise,:) Just alot of ups and downs along the way but we will get through it. Its hard sometimes but deep down I know things will work out and it will get better.

Im excited about tomorrow. Its my little cousins 2nd bday party. I love her so much. I have alot of cousins and she is the youngest and OMG she is so sweet and beautiful. Cant wait to spend all day with her tomorrow along with her mom, who is my cousin too, but also my BEST FRIEND.

BTW I really hate teenagers. I know I was a big brat as a teenager with a huge attitude, but these days they have no respect at all. My 15 year old cousin is so beautiful and has alot going for her, but OMG her attitude and her disrespect is outragious. I swear my kids wont get away with that. My family gives her everything and when she does something wrong, the dont disipline her at all. She can text at the dinner table, she can get on facebook before she does her homework, She cant talk back and get away with it. She was able to go to a football game Wednesday as long as I picked her up from the game. So because I love her and I know how at that age you just want a little freedom, I told her I would pick her up around 9:15. I texted her at 9:00 told her i was on my way to be at the gate when I get there. She says ok. Then writes back and says no, to wait til 9:30, I said NO Ill be there in a few, to be ready. SHE WROTE: "NO IM NOT!!! Ill be ready when the games over."
You cant imagine the conversation when I pulled up and she wasnt there and I had to call her. She finally got in the car and I ripped her a new one. OMG the nerve. I didnt have to pick her up, if it wasnt for me saying I would pick her up ( which interupted my husband and I watching the CMA's) then she wouldnt have even been able to go. So I lost it with her. I know teenagers will be teenagers, but if you constantly let kids get away with things, they will continue to do it. At 15, I had CHORES,( she has none) I guess texting is a chore now?? I hated chores and I was always so pissed at my parents, but you better believe I said yes maam and no sir, and when I did get an attitude or was disrespectful, I would get put on restriction ( which by the way was way worse than a spanking, which I did get those too in my younger years) Even got slapped a couple of times across the mouth, Which I deserved. Its crazy how much you mature, because looking at her disrespecting my grandma makes me CRINGE and I cant believe I ever acted that way. But todays world people just dont disipline. UGH makes me so mad. I know parents want to be a friend, but your the parent. Not a friend. I know Im NOT a parent yet, but I know how Im raising my children. I know that I appreciate my parents for being HARD on me and making sure I had morals and also im thankful ( cant believe im saying this) for my parents putting me on restriction all those times I was rude and disrespectful and for never letting me go off with guys at 15, because if I would have, I might have been a little hootch. lol and for telling me NO sometimes, even when I thought it was the end of the world. Something about todays society and how they raise there kids pisses me off. They say that technology is what changed everything, REALLY because all my friends had cell phones in middle school, I DIDNT and I was mad, but i got over it. I really could go on and on. I guess I already did. wow lol

Rollercoaster ride????

Ok so now Kris is feeling ok. Seriously feels like were on a flippin' rollercoaster. Scared to post that he is feeling better, in fear of coming right back tomorrow to say he doesnt. BUT right now Im so glad he feels better. tonight marks 6 weeks on his HCG shots, Friday is his Blood test. WE should know something next week if these shots have been working. If not. WE are going to be going through alot of testing to see what the heck is going on. I have all my faith in God and know whatever the outcome, We will get through this. ( oh but god, please dont give me more bad news, I really need something positive)

Didnt last long.... :(

Kris is feeling really bad today. We did not go to the fair to see CLAY WALKER.I sold the VIP tickets though and got my money back. Im a litte sad. He wanted me to still go with a friend, But I didnt want to go with anyone, I wanted to go with him. Since he has been sick, we dont do alot so it was important to me to get to do this but I understand he doesnt feel good and doesnt have the energy and good health to go, its like were heading back down hill. When does this shit get better. I pray and pray and just when I think its getting better we take one step back. He is having major hot flashes today, throwing up and just not feeling himself. I really think he has had enough too, I asked him if there was anything I could do... he said " shoot me". Ugh I dont want him to feel like this. Hopefully this friday he can talk to the Dr and tell him these shots arent working or something. I mean he is on the highest dose so what else can they do. I feel like they need to do a FULL BODY WORK UP to see if there is other underlying issues. I wont be able to go this friday because I have to work. But I think he is so sick of feeling this way that he wont hold back when he talks to the Doctor. I dont need ANYTHING in this world, I dont need a nice car, a nice house, expensive clothes or alot of money.. but I do need for Kris to feel better. I mean SERIOUSLY is that to much to ask????????

Day of REST and a Sigh of relief.

GATORS WON! yaaayyy... Kris woke up this morning feeling great. But started feeling bad later in the day. He was having hot flashes alot today... I found more information on a few websites about what vitamins Kris can take to help with his Testosterone. I told him if he would do 25 SQUATS every night that would help his testosterone even a little bit which to us, every little bit counts, but he doesnt believe me. I know he has low energy but if I could just get him up to do it, it would boost his energy.I was so mad at him tonight because he doesnt want to even try anything.. here I am researching trying to help in any way I can and when he doesnt want to TRY it makes me feel like " well if you arent going to do these little things to help you feel better then stop complaining." I know that sounds insensitive, but thats how I feel. So We did others things that boosted his energy LOL.. :)... he was half asleep earlier...and now he is out getting us SONIC slushies and said he has energy. haha LOVE IT. Can I just say it real quick???... I WAS RIGHT! lol Do you know how long it took me to get him to believe the vitamins would really help. He wouldnt take them at all, But now he will ask where his pills are if I dont set them on the table in the morning for him to take. Haha. So funny how one good night makes everything so much better. It gives me hope.
Cant wait for him to come home with my strawberry SLUSHIE. Its suppose to be 37 degrees in the morning. YAY I love this weather. Wish we could actually see snow here. Last time its snowed was 1989. lol I was 5. That would be a great Christmas present. :)

EvEn On My WeAk DaYs I gEt A LiTtLe StRoNgEr

Sitting at home on a COLD night Snuggled up on the couch with daisy. I love this weather. Its only 44 degrees but to me THATS COLD expecially for Jacksonville. Kris is already knocked out. Kris's mom, Kris and I watched paranormal activity tonight so we can go watch the 2nd one at the movies. It was so scary. Im feeling so much better about things. My mom came over today and motivated me to get up and do something, so i cleaned my whole house. I know everything will be ok and I know it will all work out, I just wish I could get out of the funk. Ive never been like this before. But Things have been looking up, Im getting hours at my two PRN jobs and got a 300 check in the mail from my old job from 3 years ago. I also feel like we will have success with the blood work. My theory is the meds are working, but Kris is in such a deep depression right now which is a low T symptom plus all other stresses he is under, that he doesnt realize he feels better. He said its mostly the HOT FLASHES that make him miserable, Also He did say tonight that he felt 100 percent better today he said if he had some energy he would feel perfect. WOW huh. YAY. Hope tomorrow he feels the same way. We both are off tomorrow and are going to snuggle on the couch all day watching movies and the FLORIDA GATOR game. Its going to be so nice. I cant wait til MONDAY night, We are going to the FAIR and have VIP tickets to see Clay Walker. Hoping and Praying things get better :)

Hopefully some good news soon

Kris goes next friday to get his blood work done to see if his testosterone levels are back up. Im optimistic but since he hasnt felt better at all physically, I dont know if there will be a change, but Im really hoping there is. Its his 5th week now. Some people are saying they noticed a change with in a week or so, but so far we havent seen a change. Kris still feels real crappy. Luckly we found out his insurance paid for his visit and his sperm analysis. YAY thats a big help. I still have to pay 242 dollars a month for his SHOTS. But Im looking for other pharmacies that are cheaper. I went to the library today and got a whole bunch of infertility books. So ive started reading them. I cant wait to get this all behind us. This has been the worst year ever. Kris's health, infertility, job searching,finances... ALL at once, Its so stressful. Through all of this, Im so glad We have gotten closer and it hasnt brought us apart. Ive really been sad this past week, Im ok with waiting for a baby, even though it sucks and I want to be a mommy bad, but im sad because i want Kristopher back. I want him to be happy and healthy again. When I dont get any hours at work and I have time to sit at home.. I lay on the couch and CRY and have a little pity party. But its so hard When you know you cant do anything to help... Ive avoided talking to friends bc All i do is complain and be negative and sound so depressed but i cant help it... and I dont want my friends to get aggrevated with me for being such a debbie downer.I know good friends wouldnt mind, but I dont have alot of those, and even the good ones dont understand so its hard for them to really get me. I cant really talk to family because they say the most insane things that doesnt help me at all. ugh I did buy kris some mens multivitamins and B12 pills. He takes them every morning. YAY, the Dr said that could help. Hopefully We will be ok, Hopefully everything will work out.
Ive been on my praying knees alot.

4th Shot today

So tonight was Kris's 4th HCG shot. He has lost almost 10 pounds. Yay, still doesnt feel alot better, but Ive heard from alot of people it takes about 6 weeks. But he seems to be holding on, He is being super strong. He thanked me for being understanding. He said he has to pretend to feel OK around everyone and no one understands what he is going through. I feel so bad that I cant do more. So we have 2 more weeks left until Kris goes in for blood work to see if the meds have increased his testosterone so im hoping and praying that it has, If it has then we will check the sperm a few weeks after that.. The fertility office sent us a bill today saying that we owe 250 dollars for our past co pay. They told us at our first visit that they would try and get it put under Kris's insurance as a medical condition and it would be free. Only thing is, they sent it to HIS insurance with MY NAME. so it came back that they have no client with that name. REALLY? So ive got to call them tomorrow and have them resubmit it with HIS name. Its the little things that aggrevate me.
I watched Evan almighty the other day and found a qoute on there that has really HELPED me. Hope it can help others.

"When you pray for Patience, God doesnt give you patience he gives you the opportunity to be patient"


I think that one quote has really made me feel so much better and stronger. I havent had a Poor us feeling lately. I know it will happen and to know We will accept whatever God has in store makes me feel so much stronger. Ive read alot of Adoption blogs and Mommys who have used Donor Sperm and I really have gained alot of knowledge and know I will take what ever. Im sure Ill have some hard days to come, but for now, Im ok.

*10 things about me*

1) Im a very sensitive person. I cry in any movie, I cry over good and bad news, I cry when I see another person cry, I cry when I see happiness in another persons eyes. I freaking cry listening to songs and omg that sarah mcglaughlin animal commercial gets me every freaking time.

2) Everyone swears I have confidence, but really I dont at all. Once I get to know you well, Im ok and can be my normal crazy self, but at first... im shy and dont feel pretty at all around other woman. Weird I know. I really wish I felt comfortable in my own skin.

3) I love to laugh and Love to make people laugh. It makes my day. People usually associate me with being a dork, and Im ok with that. Better than being a Snobby b&%@!

4) I really could care less if my house is spotless, but MY CARPETS must have vaccuum lines in them at all times, on the other hand, my suv is always a disaster!

5) I was raised in a broken home, and so was my husband and our pastor told us we most likely wouldnt make it because of the statistics.... Proved him wrong ( makes me feel so good) 3 years going strong even through infertily and Kris's health issues. :)

6)I have a hard time telling people NO. I feel bad and usually want to make everyone else happy, but have recently shown improvement lol

7) Ive always had a premonition I would die young, ever since I was in highschool. I would write out a letter to each family member and close friend and have a friend hold them incase something happend... Now I just have a Letter to Kris about our memories and how much I LOVE HIM, and want him to move on when he is ready. oh and the 3 songs I want played at my funeral......... ( do you think I have a problem? )

8) I love listening to peoples problems and share my own experience to help them, and give them advice but I never take my own.

9) I dont have ONE SINGLE FULL BLOODED SIBLING. I have 3 brothers though. 2 half and one Step. Jimmy 29 (half) Lee 29 (step) and Wyatt 11(half). Love them so much. Glad I didnt have sisters, But I will have to say I was Beat up and Picked on my whole life by the older brothers...

10) I love to write. My grammer and punctuation sucks, but I love it. Ive had journals since I was 13. they talk about boys, first kiss, my very strict parents, and many other things. the month I Met kris, Ive never wrote in one again. But he said he wanted to buy me one for christmas :)

I love her so much~ Daisy Duke Sorrells

Bad days are just getting started

So today, Kris leaves for work at 530am. Im stuck at home, with nothing to do. I try and sleep but I cant. my two PRN jobs dont need me at all this week. UGh but i do have a interview soon, just waiting on there call, its for fulltime. Ive been real positive lately and have been more hopeful than ever about kris's low testosterone and no sperm, but i cant stop researching online. I think i spend half my day doing this.Some good positive stories and some without any luck... I watched TV but nothing is ever on, the only thing worth watching is "A BABY STORY" on TLC and well really im tired of crying everytime i watch that. I just hate this. obviously I will get over this by tomorrow, but still today sucks. I am in such a crappy mood. So lets just say that we go to the doctor and do another Sperm analysis and it comes back nothing again, do we wait longer and see any change or do we try other things ASAP... IM SO TIRED OF WAITING. It sucks, its like my life is on hold until the next SA. everyone says you just have to wait... well its alot easier to say coming from someone who can just look at someone and get pregnant. They never had to wait. Sorry im being a shitty person right now, but it sucks, this whole thing drives me crazy, EXPECIALLY when kris calls me from work and tells me he doesnt know how much more he can take, that he feels horrible and that he feels like his body is shutting down and he said he gets so mad because no one understands and he doesnt want to feel like a sissy. With a testosterone level of 45, now up to 68, i dont blame him for feeling like that. He is so strong to even be able to get up and go to work everyday. IF i could have one wish, it wouldnt even be to have his SPERM count up, it would be for kris to feel good, and get back to his normal self, for his testosterone to atleast be 500... I feel so bad for him and feel HELPLESS. Of course i would want a baby, but he is my first priority, and plus we can do sperm extraction or even have talked about donor sperm and adoption if it ever came to that point..omg scary to even think about though. Today marks three weeks he has been on his hcg shots, and last week we did see an improvement in some areas. :) Btw i keep having dreams of babies, guess cause thats all i think about, but i had a dream 2 days ago that we adopted a little black babygirl, omg she was so beautiful.
Anyways, today is a bad day, im sure there will be many more. It sucks when no one understands......

I Would Die For That

Touched my heart.... Just when I needed it the most~

I have alot of favorite movies, None will ever top TEEN WITCH from the 80's but I love chic flicks and sad movies, I love to cry during a movie, it really feels good haha, and I also love funny ones too. Kris & I went to the movies and saw " Life as we know it". It was great.... I love Katherine Heigl. She just has this thing about her, just like Sandra Bullock... We also watched a movie my mom let me borrow, its called FACING THE GIANTS. Its the same church group who directed FIRE PROOF and LETTERS TO GOD, all three are great movies that really touch your heart. FIRE PROOF has always been my favorite because it lets people know every marriage has problems and it shows you how to make your marriage stronger and how to seek God. But FACING THE GIANTS, really got my attention because that couple also is dealing with male infertility too and it showed how God is there, you just have to be patient and have faith.

here are a few things from the movie that touched me:
here is what the wife said to the husband....

" I'm still clinging to a hope that one day we'll have children. I imagine them running in this house. I hear them playing in the backyard. Or running to our bed in a thunderstorm. And I think about reading them stories and teaching them songs. And I just keep thinking; how can I miss someone so much that I have never met?

That is exactly how i feel.

and then there is this story.... im sure everyone has heard this story before) but not until I watched this movie did I really take this to heart:


Two farmers prayed for rain but only one of them went out and prepared his fields to receive it. “Which one trusted God to send the rain?” ~ “The one who prepared!!!! God will send the rain when He’s ready. You need to prepare your fields to receive it,”


In God's word He said 365 different times, "Do not fear." Now if He says it that many times, you know He's serious about it, don't ya?



I really feel this long and miserable journey has a purpose and I will have faith. Im going to have bad days, I will have good days.... But I wont give up and I will always be strong for my husband.... until then, Ill be waiting...

It only hurts when I breathe

So Friday afternoon, Nurse called to give results for sperm analysis and his blood work ... His tesosterone went from a 45 to a 68.... Ummmm not good at all. it should be in the 800's... THEN they gave me the FOUR LETTER WORD no one wants to hear in the infertile world. ZERO! yep, zero sperm. WE kinda already figured just because of the Androgel meds he was on, plus the fact that his testosterone level was SO low. But to hear it, was such a low blow. My husband took it way worse that I did. He kept saying sorry like it was his fault. I explained to him that his sperm will come up, we just have to stay on the shots and one day we will have a baby. We just have to be patient. He didnt want to hear that, he said he wanted a baby now! (ugh... so sad)
Im kinda glad that I have to be the strong one and be positive, because each time I tell him how we will have our own baby one day and that this medicine will work, and to be positive, just makes me believe it more and more. I have my bad days where I just cry. Expecially in the car listening to music, asking god WHY? and I know the right answer is that everything happens for a reason and that we have to be patient, and we need to pray..... ALL THESE THINGS ARE CORRECT, but NOT WHAT WE WANT TO HEAR....
I really dont even know what i want to hear, but each time i tell someone our story or whats new with the situation, I never get what I want to hear. I think its the "If you havent been in my position you have no clue" type thing... i just wish i could see one second of our future just so i know it will happen. It makes it so much harder for me, because i have always loved children and have always wanted a baby. When my mom was pregnant with my brother when i was 13, I read the whole book what to expect when your expecting. Ive always dreamed of being a MOMMY. And it makes it so much harder on kris too, because he knows how bad ive wanted this. He thanked me for being strong and being so positive, because he said he couldnt be positive anymore, he was tired of hearing bad news after bad news. I feel so sad!
The Nurse said we will do a Blood test for the testosterone levels in novemeber, and another sperm analysis in feb 2011. By then hopefully his sperm and testosterone is UP enough for us to try, and HOPEFULLY try natural...but if not I will PAY any amount of money for IVF to have our baby!!! Ive seen one couple who were in the same position as us and there sperm went from ZERO to 56 million on hcg shots, and then Ive seen another couple go from ZERO sperm to 2 little sperm. So it can go either way, These next 4 months will feel like an eternity and we will be sending GOD lots of prayers his way.

Meds are here & so is my happiness

YAY WE GOT THE HCG SHOTS IN THE MAIL! Kris was so scared, but once he injected himself, he realized the needle was so small. YAY. one step closer.
Also good news, I got a PRN job, its been nice to WORK and show off my SHANDS XRAY SKILLS... didnt realize I would be so good, haha not trying to toot my own horn but i was so scared starting my first job after school, but it was natural and I worked my BUTT off. Hopefully I will find a fulltime soon, but this is good experience for now. Good money too! First day was at the southside office, and the second day was at there orange park office.... tomorrow, Im all alone, with a PICKY doctor and its one busy day, but I know i will do ok, if not, ill be complaining about it on here tomorrow haha....
As everyone said with the whole "SOH situation" : Everything happens for a reason!!! Well Im so glad I work elsewhere. Im so happy, and Im so glad I had a month to just relax and enjoy family and deal with doctors visits with our fertility problem. God really does have a plan, You may not understand it then, and trust me I didnt, I was mad, I cried, I was angry, but now Ive forgiven, yes i just said that.... Ive learned, Ive overcome and I Feel AWESOME! People will always try and hurt you and bring you down, Its your choice weither it effects you or not, it also makes it better when karma shows her ass. :) lol

Blog Questionare :)

1) Which season is your favorite?
I love Fall. When the weather is cool but still a little warm, when you can drive with all your windows rolled down and blast the radio and sing out loud ( ok that is just what i do every fall since ive had my drivers license) But I do love winter too because of Christmas time. I love the smells and the love and the lights. So many memories

2) What is your dream car?
Infinity FX35.... It can be a reality, there not that expensive but I really like my Trailblazer that will be paid off soon. Cars arent a big thing to me, why pay so much for something just because you want to be cool because you have it, You cant take it with you when you die. Enjoy your money on other things

3) What is the last book you read?
How to use your own personality to love god and your husband

4) What is your favorite weekend activity?
Sleeping in, being Lazy, Spending time with family. Enjoying a good lifetime movie.
Doing absolutely NOTHING

5) If you could only save 1 pair of shoes from your closet, which would you choose?
Sandals. Im not a big shoe person.


6) What do you do for a living?
Im a Radiologic Technologist, but I am unemployed right now, and I actually enjoy it. Ive finally been able to spend time with my family.

7) What is your best memory from high school or college?
My Friends, we had a pretty Tight Clique and we still keep in touch. I had so many crazy fun memories in highschool, even always being on restriction lol

8) What was your first job?
Babysitting 9th grade. But then when i was 16 i got a job at hungry howies pizza and my dad made me quit. He didnt want me working while i went to school. He wanted me to concentrate on school.

1st Fertility appointment

So it was nice meeting Dr Winslow. He was nice and OMG his office was amazing, he has a view of all of downtown jacksonville. 9th floor. It was pretty. Luckly Kris and him had something in common. They both LOVE the gators. yay, thats a start. Haha
Anyways So Kris had some blood work done, we had our picture taken for our file, and Dr winslow is going to start Kris on HCG shots. Im so so excited about this. He also has to stop androgel immediatly, double yay! no more killing my sperm. Hopefully these HCG shots will boost his testosterone and make him feel SO much better, and also increase his sperm. He has to do a sperm analysis done on friday morning and we also have to go in for them to teach me how to give him his shots. The first sperm analysis may not be great, but i cant wait for the 2nd one in a few months, Thats when we will be able to tell if it has helped. This isnt going to be a quick process, but im so exciting to get it started and EXPECIALLY get kris back to feeling normal. Yay yay yay...


So who watched the TLC show: Sister wives
OMG i know its not what i believe, But I seriously Love the show already. Alot of people think its not necessary, and not godly, But I dont judge and that show is full of Love, They love there kids. Just like 19 kids and Counting, they have the best parenting skills and have so much patience with there kids. People think there weird and they dont need to have that many kids, but again its no ones place to judge. People may not like it and thats fine, but you dont have to watch it, I actually enjoy watching shows full of love. Are you judging me for my opinion on this? lol

Scared to go

So Our First Fertility Dr visit is this tuesday. Im scared. I think Kris is too, but he says he isnt. I dont know what to expect, Im scared of what they will say. Will it be positive news, or will it be news that will crush us. I am glad we are moving ahead with this, but so freaking scared. Kris wanted wendys tonight, So it was a good chance for me to get out of the house and Cry. and yes I cried all the way there. I called my mom and she gave me the "faith" talk, which she is right and she told me what I needed to hear, instead of what i wanted to hear ...hmmm i guess thats where i get that from. But she said i need to give it all to God. She said I need to know God has my back and has a plan. Im a worrier and its so hard not to worry, and I now believe in stress eating, Ive gained weight in the last two years, stressed out with school, work , bills and more than ever, now about kris's health and our infertility scare. Ive always heard about it and didnt understand why people blame there problems on eating, but its true, it really is comforting, of course its not so comforting when i look in the mirror anymore but ill get there. Im just a hot mess right now. I met a few girls online who are going through this too, with male infertility and im glad to know im not alone, but i hate that they have to feel like we do. Im hoping and praying for them and also for our trip to the doctor on tuesday. Im hopeful and I have faith. Kris doesnt deserve this, he is a good man, a good person. We got married, i just graduated, we did right, it just seems so unfair, but then when i think that way, I always feel selfish, like it could be so much worse. So I try not to look at it as WHY kris.

I just wish there was a crystal ball that can show me the future, just for a split second to show us with a family. Thats all Ive ever wanted. I even had a dream the other night I delivered a baby boy and took him home, and was so mad because no one took hospital pictures. lol Funny but it was such a real dream.

Alot on my mind

This weekend was fun, Had My friends Bachelorette party at Jacksonville beach. I had a good time and had lots of laughs...and of course everyone knows Im a goofball but never though I could have so much fun at a club being sober, but im just as dorky sober as I am when I drink which is good to know and alot cheaper :) I also watched my 90 year old aunt again this weekend at her house. Which even though I enjoy her and her company and love hearing her stories, I couldnt wait to get home to see Kristopher. Its like we went through two whole years of school and work, hardly getting any time together, and now im graduated and nothings changed. Although it does give a good excuse to hurry home on mondays and see him and hug and kiss him and know ive got all night on the couch with him. We just got done watching all of our shows tonight. I love laying on the couch with him and Daisy. Its probably the most peaceful time I get. I cant wait to get a normal job and enjoy more time with Kris. Our Dr appt is in a week and Im so excited.

SOMETHING ON MY MIND: Its hard to find a good friendship these days. I have a small handful of AMAZING friends and know who will always have my back. People these days dont cherish friendships and think its all about them, Or only need you when its convienent for them. As a wise woman told me, Those are not FRIENDS. Sometimes I do let people run all over me, Sometimes I do give in to make other people happy, But when do you SAY "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" I feel like you can only take so much of being stepped on. Do people ever think about how they are treating others or how others might be feeling about a situation. I think all the time, how the joke I said might have offended someone or how did I come across to my friend when she asked for advice. I think if more people put there selves in someone elses shoes, the world would be a better place... And OMG the negativity I see around me, WOW! I see so many people complain about EVERYTHING. and Im at fault too, but look around, You have it good, There are people that have it ALOT worse than you do.
My 90 year old aunt who is the sweetest lady ive ever known, was watching a Show and she saw a overweight man and started Saying how fat he is and how he should never let him get that way, It kind of startled me Because I didnt think she had a negative streak in her body. The reason it bothered me, was because Kris has gained weight and I think about how many people may look at him and think the same thing, but they have no Clue that He has a problem with his health, and no matter what diet or exercise he does until he gets the correct medicine he wont lose weight. So how do we know that man on the TV didnt have a health problem. I know its so easy to Judge, but it puts a whole new Prospective on things when you have walked in someones shoes. It makes you Think!
I was stuck in traffic today for an hour, DEAD stop traffic, I was so pissed, because I couldnt wait to get home.. But when I Passed the Truck that was upside down and I learned the Driver Died in that crash, I felt so bad for being impatient, here I was alive, On my way to my HOME to see my HUSBAND and and that Family was dealing with such bad news. Its the little things, but those things matter.

STORY OF THE DAY : A girl walked in to my Stepmoms office at work and saw a picture of me, and got tears in her eyes and asked my stepmom if that was LAUREN... My step mom said yes, and handed her a Tissue, and the girl said, "you dont understand... lauren was the only person in highschool that accepted me and make me feel normal" and she told her a story at prom where I made her feel special. Let me tell you when my stepmom told me that, It melted my heart, In highschool I was friends with everyone, I didnt care what clothes you wore, or what color you were or what clique you were with, I talked to everyone... My mom always taught me that those things dont matter. I was not an Angel by any means, but I had a big heart.
Dont get me wrong i dont want to sound like a hypocrite, I do like poking fun or immitating people, but its usually to there face as a joke, because I love making people laugh.

im on a roll tonight!!! Ive got to get this shit out of my head! It may not be good reading material but its my thoughts.... :)

IVE GOT SUNSHINE......

First things first, I scheduled the appointment for the fertility doctor.. cant beleive how EXPENSIVE the copay is, but one step closer to helping kris feel better and one step closer to making a family.
Still havent found a job but i do have some prospects and will have something in no time :)!
my aunt jerri is 90 yrs old and lives at jacksonville beach and well im going to be her live in nurse on the weekends to help her out and to get some money flowing so i can pay bills. Plus I love her so much and i love when she talks about my uncle chris and how they met, i never get old listening to her stories from the old days.
Besides looking for s a job, i have no clue what to do with myself. Its been nice having ME time, and cleaning the house and getting organized.

Cant wait for the winter

http://www.thepreserveresort.com/cabin.asp?property_id=1185

Kris and I have always wanted to go here for the winter to see snow, And i think im going to save up money and suprise kris with a getaway to this place. There cabins are so nice and it would be fun to get out of jacksonville for a few days during christmas time. Maybe even have a few couples go with us.

I cant wait for it to cool down, and for fall to come, I love that time when its cool enough to roll down the windows in your car and smell the fall coming. but even more wonderful is christmas time. I love the smell and the memories of christmas. It has got to be the greatest time of year. Plus this year im hoping santa brings us a little one in my belly :)

Lauren Sorrells R.T. (R)

Graduation is OVER and I took my registry.....and PASSED! woohoo. It was the scariest test of my life. I was so calm the night before. I prayed and knew i would be ok. My classmates Ashley and Kandis spent the night with me that night, so in the morning of our test i walked into the spare bedroom to see there faces and i got tears in my eyes i was so nervous. I wanted to throw up! All four of us who took the test that day passed thank god! we have three hours to take it, I was done in an hour and 45 minutes but sat there going over the 220 questions over and over, and waited until 6 minutes to go to hit the submit button, I cant turn back now.... it was the scariest 4 seconds of my life waiting for the computer to configure my score.
I just knew it was going to be a 68 staring at me.... oh but i was wrong....because i PASSED! No more studying, NO more school for now, No more stressing..... Finally one more thing in my life out of the way. Now to get a job and concentrate fully on getting pregnant. Im so excited! Another milestone i thought would never get here..

My birthday came and went, IM 26. Seems like the years have passed me by.
Cant wait to see whats ahead!!!!

When it rains, it pours, but what happens after that?

1 day left of school! Im so ready to get this past me. Its going to be a sad day.. happy but sad that some of the girls ive spent the last two years with will not be by myside forever, not every single day atleast. So many memories and fun times that will always be remembered.
Its been a horrible month. But i trust gods reasoning and know he has so much planned for me in the future. Im so thankful for what i do have, a great husband and supportive family. I couldnt ask for more. I know everything happens for a reason and i know it will all work out.
but can i cry for a really long time and have a lauren pity party? YOU DAMN RIGHT I CAN!

Hate this Feeling

I have friends, Some im real close too and can talk to them about anything . But have you ever felt like even if you have friends, family and a husband, that sometimes you feel SO alone. I feel like i just need to scream. I need to let so much out and CRY, which i will admit, im an emotional wreck at times. But this time, i just cant cry. I want too, it will make it all better. The tears come, but it doesnt come.
This is not a good feeling. Hoping it will pass soon

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn.......

So, what a week. First things first, 2 more weeks and i will be done with school. Graduation is almost here. I have been studying so hard for the registry and have faith in myself that i will pass. I am so glad to be done with this chapter in my life.
This week hasnt been the best of weeks, obviously im not going to go into detail, But i do want to say that i really hate when people judge. I hate even more when people make up lies and try to hurt you. I know in the long run karma will see them one day, but it still sickens me that people really try and bring you down. I have no clue why people would hear one side of a story but not want to hear another side. How is this fair? How can you base an opinion off of someones unreliable story, politics are not my friend! I know God has a plan for me and i will succeed anywhere i go, just makes me mad that so many people are rooting for me, and one person can change one single opinion. Through all of this, I will become a stronger person and I know one day i will be able to forgive, but right now... its like a butcher knife to my back. I have been true these two years, ive been myself and havent changed, ive been a good loyal friend to many, and even stuck up for people when no one had there back... but it only seems to bite me in the ass. Was I suppose to change to be someone im not?.. because i will go through this a million times and not change for anyone. I learn from my mistakes but i will always be ME. Ive gone through alot in my life and know with every decision ive made and every painful memory growing up that i am a good person and I deserve a chance without someone judging me. Just know this: You never know what someone has been through or what is going on in there life, you cant base your opinion on hear say or what does that say for yourself? God will see me through and I know i will look back on this and wonder why i cared so much when this is just a chapter closing. But right now... I care... right now, Im disappointed in the system.

Never let your praying knees get lazy....

Praying for my BFF at http://lyndsay-mclendon.blogspot.com/ to find peace in knowing God chose her to be Lucca's mommie for a reason. Because she is so special she can handle anything, Because she has so much love for lucca and knows how to be the best mommie EVER! Praying God fights this Chromosome Abnormality for Lucca and that Everything will be ok! :)

Praying everyone in this world is loved and knows what love is. Hoping that every child has parents or a gaurdian that loves them unconditionally.

Praying I pass the Registry!

Praying for a FULLTIME Job as a Radiologic technologist when I graduate.

Praying that All those affected by Infertility Gets a BIG FAT POSITIVE this year!

Praying that those who have lost a loved one in the past or recently... are at peace knowing God is with them every step of the way and there loved ones are in a WAY better place than we are.

Praying that people Smile and act out of kindness to one another and stop the violence and hurt.

Positive Polly vs Debbie Downer

Do you know how hard it is to come to work knowing you already put in your two weeks. Its the worst. Seems like the nights drag on and on and its so much harder to sit at this desk and put 100 percent into it! I really have the urge about ten times an hour to get up and leave,Just walk right out and not say a word. Do you know how good that would feel??? Expecially when my boss still comes up to my desk to make sure im doing everything the correct way, and tells me he hopes I dont make any trouble and hopes that he doesnt have to get on to me the last 2 weeks im here... REALLY Im 25 not 5. im not here but 5 minutes today and he walks up to my desk to make sure im about to start taking calls.... HELLO...MR NEW BOSS, ive been here 2 years and 3 months. I know what im doing... Ive got down how to answer a CALL in a callcenter. Im Top CSR with handle time at 1:47. Go talk to the others who havent quite mastered that, oh and the ones who DIDNT PUT IN THERE TWO WEEKS. OMG!
LAY OFF DORKY NEW GUY.

Im in a more peaceful place about the whole baby thing. I know it will happen when its time, Gods time! Im not to worried about it. I want to make sure we MAINTAIN Kris's health first. As bad as we want babies, and its SUPER bad, We arent going to pressure the fact at the moment. We arent NOT trying, but we arent going crazy over it... :)

Tiny steps closer........

I put in my Two week notice tonight at work. Ahhh and it felt so good! I really just want to walk out tonight and be done with it. But im going to be a good person and wait it out. I will have 5 weeks of LESS STRESS. 5 weeks of studying for the most important test in my career. 5 weeks to get prepared for a JOB. and 5 weeks till GRADUATION DAY! WOW never thought it would get here! Its been an emotional ride, A ride i never want to do again, but its taught me lots of things. Im proud of myself, its taken everything for me to go to school all day and then go to work all night, and barely get to spend anytime with kris, family and friends. I know there are tons of people who do this all the time, but it was so hard for me. Some days harder than others of course, but it emotionally and physically drained every ounce of energy from my body.I feel like my poor 25 year old body has withered away to an old ladies haggered body, ive gained 13 pounds which took away any self esteem i had.
ohhh and I made sure I complained every step of the way, and for that im sorry to all the people who had to listen to me bitch. I am forever grateful for Kristopher who has been such a great husband through the whole thing. If there is one person more happy to see me graduate and be done, its him! lol. We are both ready to live normal lives. To spend time together and start a family. To enjoy weekends off and vacations and to actually get to go to family fucntions together, and to be able to actually enjoy anniversaries and birthdays.. aahhh i cant wait!

I cleaned my house today, really cleaned it, which i havent done in a LONG time. So long that while i was dusting, im pretty sure half the dust went right up my nose. I have been sneezing and wheezing all day and cant stop. But hey my house is cleaned, that is an awesome task these days.

Finding out were on Gods time...

First and for most, the registry is in 7 weeks. Just writing that makes my stomach ball up in knots. Im studying but still feel like im not getting enough studying done, SO...here comes my next stressful event. Im going to quit my night job in two weeks so i can fully concentrate on studying. So once i leave the hospital at 4:00 its home i go to study instead of that wreched call center. Yes that is a wonderful thing, but it scares me to leave my financial stability. I mean, what if i dont find a job right away after i graduate... that leads straight to my next stressor... OMG What if there are no jobs out there when i graduate. I need a job, i cant afford to NOT work. Ive been in this program for two LONG years, and worked nights and weekends these two years and cant afford to finally be done and get more into debt.... Would you like me to keep going.... OK I WILL... on top of all this.. Im depressed. Some days im fine, some days im not. Most days i fake a smile but die inside and cant wait to get to my car to just CRY! This whole baby thing has made me lose it. I mean its so tough on kris, and I tell him everything will be ok, but i die inside knowing that his jerk doctor gave him bad medicine that will make it even harder for us to concieve. We have talked about IVF and Donor and even adoption just to be prepared for the worse. Ive been on countless baby forums looking for answers only to find hardly any success stories. My family tells me to be positive and have faith. My friends say just dont think about it, and it will happen. NO it wont. they dont understand its not that easy when your husband has been diagnosed with low testosterone. Hopefully kris can go back to the doctor soon to get on new medication that will help with his testosterone and also increase sperm count. At first when his testosterone levels came back, they were so low (40) that they thought he had a tumor on his pituitary in his brain... Luckly a week later the MRI ruled that out. Thank the LORD.. They finally said his testosterone quit producing on its own because of a accident that happend when he was 16. He was hit in his temple with a baseball. caused him to have siezures and he had a brain hemmorage and was life flighted to the hospital. They said usually after a traumic brain injury, several years later people can start having effects on testosterone or others things in the body. Sucks that after all this time of waiting to have a baby that at the EXACT month we have been waiting to try was finally here and WHAAAAM... the bad news comes! Why? WHY US. We are good people. I try to stay positive thinking maybe we will be that miracle and have a baby on our own, but other days i just cry and think it will never happen. We havent been trying long, but when the doctor gives your husband meds to boost your testosterone but in return it lowers your sperm count to ZERO.. its a major bummer. I have faith but it runs out every now and then. Cant really talk to anyone because they dont quite know where your coming from, nor do they want to hear time after time how negative you are...
I just hope that what ever gods plan is, he gives me strength to make it and accept what ever he has in store for us. I am a worrier...and I cant stop worrying! I just want to find peace in knowing it will all be ok, but i cant find it. I pray on it, I cry on it, but still havent found peace.

Counting down...

Graduation is almost here! Ahhh to be FREE! I cant wait to not have to go to school all day and then to work all night. Im so burnt out and ready to be NORMAL. I am now trying to put in as much time to study as i can for my ARRT radiology registry. I am so nervous but very optimistic that i will pass and do just fine! It has been a long road and I am ready to get a JOB..... I have been learning alot on my specials rotation in catscan and have obtained alot of knowledge and I really like it. YAY!!! Sad to leave school because there are some people i would love to see on a daily basis!
On to other good news, a bunch of girls from high school are getting together next weekend for a pool party cook out! I am so excited. Its going to be great, everyone has went there seperate ways and had kids, went to college and traveled and its so nice to get together and see eachother after 9 years!I cant wait! pictures to come!

Kristopher and I are trying for a baby. These first few months we arent to worried about, just want to have fun but also concentrate on graduating and the registry. But we found out we will have some complications in the process, and are sure that everything happens for a reason and if it happens it happens, if not, we will take another road... but for now, we are praying and giving it all to GOD. We know he makes the decisions and he has a special plan for Kris and I. Hoping for the best.
I cant wait to be a Mommy what ever it takes :)

Senior Pics

Its been a journey

Wow, 104 days left til graduation. Im very excited to embark on my future. Its been such an educational ride, emotional ride and a growing experience. I have gained alot of knowledge in radiology and patient care, but also gained a few friendships that mean the world to me. Its so hard to find good people who cares about you and would be there in a heart beat. people who "get" you and understand where your coming from. Also during this process ive learned how to not get so comfortable with just anyone. I always get vulnerable with a person and feel like i can trust them and WHHHAAAAMMM... they betray me or hurt me. Ive finally learned my lesson of TRUST.
People do not have your back. You think I would have learned this a long time ago in other past experiences, but of course not, but its a lesson learned. I am in such a happy place in my life and love that I have an amazing husband who makes me laugh til i cry, who is my rock even when he doesnt realize it. who just is amazing in everyway. I am happy to have my family and my friends who are there for me anytime i need them, and i hope they know im always there too!
Cant wait to see whats next in life and embrace it with Gods guidance!


Quote I ran across today which completely came at a perfect time, ( seems like they always come at a perfect time) God you are good..lol

God has a plan for us to succeed even when we’re treated unfairly. Our human nature wants to fix things on our own; getting even with someone, repaying evil for evil, but that’s not God’s plan.
Scripture says, “Never avenge yourself but leave the way open for God.” You can either avenge yourself or let God be your avenger, but you cannot have it both ways. God wants to be your avenger and make your wrongs right.

And God doesn’t just stop at avenging. He goes on and blesses you in front of your enemies. Psalm 23:5 says, “God prepares a table before us in the presence of our enemies.” Part of His vindication is promoting you so the opposition can see it.

Whenever we face unfair situations, instead of being discouraged, we should have the attitude, “They may be laughing now. It may not be fair. But I’m not the least bit worried. I know their injustice is preparing the way for God to promote me.”

If we can learn to stay on the high road no matter how great the opportunity to make somebody look bad or how much we want to pay them back, and learn to rule over our emotions and trust God to be our avenger, He will bring justice in our lives that will not only make us better off, but better off than we could ever have been on our own.

AtLaNtA RaDiOlOgY CoNvEnTiOn

Had alot of fun in ATL, but i will say 5 days is way to long to be away from home. I missed Kris, Daisy and my california king bed.... Never again!!! haha
The convention was very educational actually, i thought it was going to be boring, but I gained some knowledge from it and gained alot of memories with great friends.

CLASS OF 2010 Radiology Convention