Giving Thanks........and more

Im thankful for alot of things. Thankful for the things that I do have and Thankful for another day. Kris and I went to Live oak, Fl to spend thanksgiving with his dad & family. I love it out there. So peaceful. Actually even woke up this morning and went black friday shopping with my cousin who needed to shop for her 4 kids. Never will I do that again. It is crazy out there. lol
Im trying to decide if I should put up the tree or not. Im really not in the mood this year. In all my years on this earth, I would have to say this year has been the worst. Im so sick of feeling so down, but its hard. I went to church to repent of my sins and ask God for forgiveness and cried and cried last sunday. Really looking for a good church but havent found one that really speaks to me. I dont want to go to a church that makes you feel like your a horrible person, I want to go to an uplifting church that is like JOEL OSTEEN on tv.
Im hoping and praying things get better. I have faith but when bad news just constantly comes our way it gets old. I just wish I knew why kris still doesnt feel good and why it never gets easier... Giving up isnt an option, but omg this is rough. Wishing I was like some woman who face things head on and make it into a positive situation. Everyone says im strong, but im not at all. Im tired of seeing my husband miserable, Im tired of seeing him depressed when I know that isnt like him at all, Im tired of hearing bad news, Im tired of the expensive medicine, But knowing it could be so much worse makes me appreciate THE STORM we are going through right now. Really praying hard these days for strength..

Results are in...........

Old testosterone: 45
On and Off Androgel for 3 months, testoserone level: 68
HCG meds from Fertility Doctor after 6 weeks, testosterone level: 168

168 isnt HIGH by any means... IT SHOULD BE 800. But from 45 to 168. Ill take it. Kris still doesnt see how its up because he doesnt feel better.. But I think he is just experiencing side effects from the HCG shots, along with all his vitamins he is taking.

Prayer request: Please pray for his insurance to cover the new medicine the Doctor wants to put him on. Its stronger than the HCG. Its called Menopur, HMG. He will take this every other day. The cost 60 dollars a shot, every other day that equals very..... EXPENSIVE on top of the 300 dollars a month I already pay for his HCG shots. The Dr called insurance to get them to accept it not for fertility issues, but for his own well being and health, they denied it. So the DR is appealing it. We will know in 30 days.

The Doctor said it should have went up alot more in these past 6 weeks than just 168,
I agree but Im HAPPY and THANKFUL it went up Period. Im thinking I might wait to do the Semen Analysis till the begining of next year since it didnt go up enough to make a big difference in sperm production.

Taking ONE day at a time, Waiting in hope and being Thankful for what we do have :)

My great weekend.

My Little cousin annalise had her 2nd bday party!!!! Here are some Pictures.

Bloodwork..... please be good!

Kris went to the dr today to get Blood work done. The Dr wasnt even there to talk to him so he wasnt able to tell anyone how he is feeling. But luckly for us, he has been feeling ok the last two days. I cant wait to get the blood work back. IM BEING REAL POSITIVE RIGHT NOW and I KNOW IT WILL COME BACK WITH HIGHER TESTOSTERONE LEVELS. (please)

I went to work today at my other PRN job, and I really enjoyed it. YAY. I have to work at the first PRN job all next week and even have another interview for a Big local hospital on friday . YAY!!! BRING ON THE HOURS. I love what I do.

I was looking over my blog, and every other post is debbie downer and then positive polly,lol If I was reading this as an outsider, I would swear I was bipolar. But Im not I promise,:) Just alot of ups and downs along the way but we will get through it. Its hard sometimes but deep down I know things will work out and it will get better.

Im excited about tomorrow. Its my little cousins 2nd bday party. I love her so much. I have alot of cousins and she is the youngest and OMG she is so sweet and beautiful. Cant wait to spend all day with her tomorrow along with her mom, who is my cousin too, but also my BEST FRIEND.

BTW I really hate teenagers. I know I was a big brat as a teenager with a huge attitude, but these days they have no respect at all. My 15 year old cousin is so beautiful and has alot going for her, but OMG her attitude and her disrespect is outragious. I swear my kids wont get away with that. My family gives her everything and when she does something wrong, the dont disipline her at all. She can text at the dinner table, she can get on facebook before she does her homework, She cant talk back and get away with it. She was able to go to a football game Wednesday as long as I picked her up from the game. So because I love her and I know how at that age you just want a little freedom, I told her I would pick her up around 9:15. I texted her at 9:00 told her i was on my way to be at the gate when I get there. She says ok. Then writes back and says no, to wait til 9:30, I said NO Ill be there in a few, to be ready. SHE WROTE: "NO IM NOT!!! Ill be ready when the games over."
You cant imagine the conversation when I pulled up and she wasnt there and I had to call her. She finally got in the car and I ripped her a new one. OMG the nerve. I didnt have to pick her up, if it wasnt for me saying I would pick her up ( which interupted my husband and I watching the CMA's) then she wouldnt have even been able to go. So I lost it with her. I know teenagers will be teenagers, but if you constantly let kids get away with things, they will continue to do it. At 15, I had CHORES,( she has none) I guess texting is a chore now?? I hated chores and I was always so pissed at my parents, but you better believe I said yes maam and no sir, and when I did get an attitude or was disrespectful, I would get put on restriction ( which by the way was way worse than a spanking, which I did get those too in my younger years) Even got slapped a couple of times across the mouth, Which I deserved. Its crazy how much you mature, because looking at her disrespecting my grandma makes me CRINGE and I cant believe I ever acted that way. But todays world people just dont disipline. UGH makes me so mad. I know parents want to be a friend, but your the parent. Not a friend. I know Im NOT a parent yet, but I know how Im raising my children. I know that I appreciate my parents for being HARD on me and making sure I had morals and also im thankful ( cant believe im saying this) for my parents putting me on restriction all those times I was rude and disrespectful and for never letting me go off with guys at 15, because if I would have, I might have been a little hootch. lol and for telling me NO sometimes, even when I thought it was the end of the world. Something about todays society and how they raise there kids pisses me off. They say that technology is what changed everything, REALLY because all my friends had cell phones in middle school, I DIDNT and I was mad, but i got over it. I really could go on and on. I guess I already did. wow lol

Rollercoaster ride????

Ok so now Kris is feeling ok. Seriously feels like were on a flippin' rollercoaster. Scared to post that he is feeling better, in fear of coming right back tomorrow to say he doesnt. BUT right now Im so glad he feels better. tonight marks 6 weeks on his HCG shots, Friday is his Blood test. WE should know something next week if these shots have been working. If not. WE are going to be going through alot of testing to see what the heck is going on. I have all my faith in God and know whatever the outcome, We will get through this. ( oh but god, please dont give me more bad news, I really need something positive)

Didnt last long.... :(

Kris is feeling really bad today. We did not go to the fair to see CLAY WALKER.I sold the VIP tickets though and got my money back. Im a litte sad. He wanted me to still go with a friend, But I didnt want to go with anyone, I wanted to go with him. Since he has been sick, we dont do alot so it was important to me to get to do this but I understand he doesnt feel good and doesnt have the energy and good health to go, its like were heading back down hill. When does this shit get better. I pray and pray and just when I think its getting better we take one step back. He is having major hot flashes today, throwing up and just not feeling himself. I really think he has had enough too, I asked him if there was anything I could do... he said " shoot me". Ugh I dont want him to feel like this. Hopefully this friday he can talk to the Dr and tell him these shots arent working or something. I mean he is on the highest dose so what else can they do. I feel like they need to do a FULL BODY WORK UP to see if there is other underlying issues. I wont be able to go this friday because I have to work. But I think he is so sick of feeling this way that he wont hold back when he talks to the Doctor. I dont need ANYTHING in this world, I dont need a nice car, a nice house, expensive clothes or alot of money.. but I do need for Kris to feel better. I mean SERIOUSLY is that to much to ask????????

Day of REST and a Sigh of relief.

GATORS WON! yaaayyy... Kris woke up this morning feeling great. But started feeling bad later in the day. He was having hot flashes alot today... I found more information on a few websites about what vitamins Kris can take to help with his Testosterone. I told him if he would do 25 SQUATS every night that would help his testosterone even a little bit which to us, every little bit counts, but he doesnt believe me. I know he has low energy but if I could just get him up to do it, it would boost his energy.I was so mad at him tonight because he doesnt want to even try anything.. here I am researching trying to help in any way I can and when he doesnt want to TRY it makes me feel like " well if you arent going to do these little things to help you feel better then stop complaining." I know that sounds insensitive, but thats how I feel. So We did others things that boosted his energy LOL.. :)... he was half asleep earlier...and now he is out getting us SONIC slushies and said he has energy. haha LOVE IT. Can I just say it real quick???... I WAS RIGHT! lol Do you know how long it took me to get him to believe the vitamins would really help. He wouldnt take them at all, But now he will ask where his pills are if I dont set them on the table in the morning for him to take. Haha. So funny how one good night makes everything so much better. It gives me hope.
Cant wait for him to come home with my strawberry SLUSHIE. Its suppose to be 37 degrees in the morning. YAY I love this weather. Wish we could actually see snow here. Last time its snowed was 1989. lol I was 5. That would be a great Christmas present. :)

EvEn On My WeAk DaYs I gEt A LiTtLe StRoNgEr

Sitting at home on a COLD night Snuggled up on the couch with daisy. I love this weather. Its only 44 degrees but to me THATS COLD expecially for Jacksonville. Kris is already knocked out. Kris's mom, Kris and I watched paranormal activity tonight so we can go watch the 2nd one at the movies. It was so scary. Im feeling so much better about things. My mom came over today and motivated me to get up and do something, so i cleaned my whole house. I know everything will be ok and I know it will all work out, I just wish I could get out of the funk. Ive never been like this before. But Things have been looking up, Im getting hours at my two PRN jobs and got a 300 check in the mail from my old job from 3 years ago. I also feel like we will have success with the blood work. My theory is the meds are working, but Kris is in such a deep depression right now which is a low T symptom plus all other stresses he is under, that he doesnt realize he feels better. He said its mostly the HOT FLASHES that make him miserable, Also He did say tonight that he felt 100 percent better today he said if he had some energy he would feel perfect. WOW huh. YAY. Hope tomorrow he feels the same way. We both are off tomorrow and are going to snuggle on the couch all day watching movies and the FLORIDA GATOR game. Its going to be so nice. I cant wait til MONDAY night, We are going to the FAIR and have VIP tickets to see Clay Walker. Hoping and Praying things get better :)

Hopefully some good news soon

Kris goes next friday to get his blood work done to see if his testosterone levels are back up. Im optimistic but since he hasnt felt better at all physically, I dont know if there will be a change, but Im really hoping there is. Its his 5th week now. Some people are saying they noticed a change with in a week or so, but so far we havent seen a change. Kris still feels real crappy. Luckly we found out his insurance paid for his visit and his sperm analysis. YAY thats a big help. I still have to pay 242 dollars a month for his SHOTS. But Im looking for other pharmacies that are cheaper. I went to the library today and got a whole bunch of infertility books. So ive started reading them. I cant wait to get this all behind us. This has been the worst year ever. Kris's health, infertility, job searching,finances... ALL at once, Its so stressful. Through all of this, Im so glad We have gotten closer and it hasnt brought us apart. Ive really been sad this past week, Im ok with waiting for a baby, even though it sucks and I want to be a mommy bad, but im sad because i want Kristopher back. I want him to be happy and healthy again. When I dont get any hours at work and I have time to sit at home.. I lay on the couch and CRY and have a little pity party. But its so hard When you know you cant do anything to help... Ive avoided talking to friends bc All i do is complain and be negative and sound so depressed but i cant help it... and I dont want my friends to get aggrevated with me for being such a debbie downer.I know good friends wouldnt mind, but I dont have alot of those, and even the good ones dont understand so its hard for them to really get me. I cant really talk to family because they say the most insane things that doesnt help me at all. ugh I did buy kris some mens multivitamins and B12 pills. He takes them every morning. YAY, the Dr said that could help. Hopefully We will be ok, Hopefully everything will work out.
Ive been on my praying knees alot.