4th Shot today

So tonight was Kris's 4th HCG shot. He has lost almost 10 pounds. Yay, still doesnt feel alot better, but Ive heard from alot of people it takes about 6 weeks. But he seems to be holding on, He is being super strong. He thanked me for being understanding. He said he has to pretend to feel OK around everyone and no one understands what he is going through. I feel so bad that I cant do more. So we have 2 more weeks left until Kris goes in for blood work to see if the meds have increased his testosterone so im hoping and praying that it has, If it has then we will check the sperm a few weeks after that.. The fertility office sent us a bill today saying that we owe 250 dollars for our past co pay. They told us at our first visit that they would try and get it put under Kris's insurance as a medical condition and it would be free. Only thing is, they sent it to HIS insurance with MY NAME. so it came back that they have no client with that name. REALLY? So ive got to call them tomorrow and have them resubmit it with HIS name. Its the little things that aggrevate me.
I watched Evan almighty the other day and found a qoute on there that has really HELPED me. Hope it can help others.

"When you pray for Patience, God doesnt give you patience he gives you the opportunity to be patient"


I think that one quote has really made me feel so much better and stronger. I havent had a Poor us feeling lately. I know it will happen and to know We will accept whatever God has in store makes me feel so much stronger. Ive read alot of Adoption blogs and Mommys who have used Donor Sperm and I really have gained alot of knowledge and know I will take what ever. Im sure Ill have some hard days to come, but for now, Im ok.

*10 things about me*

1) Im a very sensitive person. I cry in any movie, I cry over good and bad news, I cry when I see another person cry, I cry when I see happiness in another persons eyes. I freaking cry listening to songs and omg that sarah mcglaughlin animal commercial gets me every freaking time.

2) Everyone swears I have confidence, but really I dont at all. Once I get to know you well, Im ok and can be my normal crazy self, but at first... im shy and dont feel pretty at all around other woman. Weird I know. I really wish I felt comfortable in my own skin.

3) I love to laugh and Love to make people laugh. It makes my day. People usually associate me with being a dork, and Im ok with that. Better than being a Snobby b&%@!

4) I really could care less if my house is spotless, but MY CARPETS must have vaccuum lines in them at all times, on the other hand, my suv is always a disaster!

5) I was raised in a broken home, and so was my husband and our pastor told us we most likely wouldnt make it because of the statistics.... Proved him wrong ( makes me feel so good) 3 years going strong even through infertily and Kris's health issues. :)

6)I have a hard time telling people NO. I feel bad and usually want to make everyone else happy, but have recently shown improvement lol

7) Ive always had a premonition I would die young, ever since I was in highschool. I would write out a letter to each family member and close friend and have a friend hold them incase something happend... Now I just have a Letter to Kris about our memories and how much I LOVE HIM, and want him to move on when he is ready. oh and the 3 songs I want played at my funeral......... ( do you think I have a problem? )

8) I love listening to peoples problems and share my own experience to help them, and give them advice but I never take my own.

9) I dont have ONE SINGLE FULL BLOODED SIBLING. I have 3 brothers though. 2 half and one Step. Jimmy 29 (half) Lee 29 (step) and Wyatt 11(half). Love them so much. Glad I didnt have sisters, But I will have to say I was Beat up and Picked on my whole life by the older brothers...

10) I love to write. My grammer and punctuation sucks, but I love it. Ive had journals since I was 13. they talk about boys, first kiss, my very strict parents, and many other things. the month I Met kris, Ive never wrote in one again. But he said he wanted to buy me one for christmas :)

I love her so much~ Daisy Duke Sorrells

Bad days are just getting started

So today, Kris leaves for work at 530am. Im stuck at home, with nothing to do. I try and sleep but I cant. my two PRN jobs dont need me at all this week. UGh but i do have a interview soon, just waiting on there call, its for fulltime. Ive been real positive lately and have been more hopeful than ever about kris's low testosterone and no sperm, but i cant stop researching online. I think i spend half my day doing this.Some good positive stories and some without any luck... I watched TV but nothing is ever on, the only thing worth watching is "A BABY STORY" on TLC and well really im tired of crying everytime i watch that. I just hate this. obviously I will get over this by tomorrow, but still today sucks. I am in such a crappy mood. So lets just say that we go to the doctor and do another Sperm analysis and it comes back nothing again, do we wait longer and see any change or do we try other things ASAP... IM SO TIRED OF WAITING. It sucks, its like my life is on hold until the next SA. everyone says you just have to wait... well its alot easier to say coming from someone who can just look at someone and get pregnant. They never had to wait. Sorry im being a shitty person right now, but it sucks, this whole thing drives me crazy, EXPECIALLY when kris calls me from work and tells me he doesnt know how much more he can take, that he feels horrible and that he feels like his body is shutting down and he said he gets so mad because no one understands and he doesnt want to feel like a sissy. With a testosterone level of 45, now up to 68, i dont blame him for feeling like that. He is so strong to even be able to get up and go to work everyday. IF i could have one wish, it wouldnt even be to have his SPERM count up, it would be for kris to feel good, and get back to his normal self, for his testosterone to atleast be 500... I feel so bad for him and feel HELPLESS. Of course i would want a baby, but he is my first priority, and plus we can do sperm extraction or even have talked about donor sperm and adoption if it ever came to that point..omg scary to even think about though. Today marks three weeks he has been on his hcg shots, and last week we did see an improvement in some areas. :) Btw i keep having dreams of babies, guess cause thats all i think about, but i had a dream 2 days ago that we adopted a little black babygirl, omg she was so beautiful.
Anyways, today is a bad day, im sure there will be many more. It sucks when no one understands......

I Would Die For That

Touched my heart.... Just when I needed it the most~

I have alot of favorite movies, None will ever top TEEN WITCH from the 80's but I love chic flicks and sad movies, I love to cry during a movie, it really feels good haha, and I also love funny ones too. Kris & I went to the movies and saw " Life as we know it". It was great.... I love Katherine Heigl. She just has this thing about her, just like Sandra Bullock... We also watched a movie my mom let me borrow, its called FACING THE GIANTS. Its the same church group who directed FIRE PROOF and LETTERS TO GOD, all three are great movies that really touch your heart. FIRE PROOF has always been my favorite because it lets people know every marriage has problems and it shows you how to make your marriage stronger and how to seek God. But FACING THE GIANTS, really got my attention because that couple also is dealing with male infertility too and it showed how God is there, you just have to be patient and have faith.

here are a few things from the movie that touched me:
here is what the wife said to the husband....

" I'm still clinging to a hope that one day we'll have children. I imagine them running in this house. I hear them playing in the backyard. Or running to our bed in a thunderstorm. And I think about reading them stories and teaching them songs. And I just keep thinking; how can I miss someone so much that I have never met?

That is exactly how i feel.

and then there is this story.... im sure everyone has heard this story before) but not until I watched this movie did I really take this to heart:


Two farmers prayed for rain but only one of them went out and prepared his fields to receive it. “Which one trusted God to send the rain?” ~ “The one who prepared!!!! God will send the rain when He’s ready. You need to prepare your fields to receive it,”


In God's word He said 365 different times, "Do not fear." Now if He says it that many times, you know He's serious about it, don't ya?



I really feel this long and miserable journey has a purpose and I will have faith. Im going to have bad days, I will have good days.... But I wont give up and I will always be strong for my husband.... until then, Ill be waiting...

It only hurts when I breathe

So Friday afternoon, Nurse called to give results for sperm analysis and his blood work ... His tesosterone went from a 45 to a 68.... Ummmm not good at all. it should be in the 800's... THEN they gave me the FOUR LETTER WORD no one wants to hear in the infertile world. ZERO! yep, zero sperm. WE kinda already figured just because of the Androgel meds he was on, plus the fact that his testosterone level was SO low. But to hear it, was such a low blow. My husband took it way worse that I did. He kept saying sorry like it was his fault. I explained to him that his sperm will come up, we just have to stay on the shots and one day we will have a baby. We just have to be patient. He didnt want to hear that, he said he wanted a baby now! (ugh... so sad)
Im kinda glad that I have to be the strong one and be positive, because each time I tell him how we will have our own baby one day and that this medicine will work, and to be positive, just makes me believe it more and more. I have my bad days where I just cry. Expecially in the car listening to music, asking god WHY? and I know the right answer is that everything happens for a reason and that we have to be patient, and we need to pray..... ALL THESE THINGS ARE CORRECT, but NOT WHAT WE WANT TO HEAR....
I really dont even know what i want to hear, but each time i tell someone our story or whats new with the situation, I never get what I want to hear. I think its the "If you havent been in my position you have no clue" type thing... i just wish i could see one second of our future just so i know it will happen. It makes it so much harder for me, because i have always loved children and have always wanted a baby. When my mom was pregnant with my brother when i was 13, I read the whole book what to expect when your expecting. Ive always dreamed of being a MOMMY. And it makes it so much harder on kris too, because he knows how bad ive wanted this. He thanked me for being strong and being so positive, because he said he couldnt be positive anymore, he was tired of hearing bad news after bad news. I feel so sad!
The Nurse said we will do a Blood test for the testosterone levels in novemeber, and another sperm analysis in feb 2011. By then hopefully his sperm and testosterone is UP enough for us to try, and HOPEFULLY try natural...but if not I will PAY any amount of money for IVF to have our baby!!! Ive seen one couple who were in the same position as us and there sperm went from ZERO to 56 million on hcg shots, and then Ive seen another couple go from ZERO sperm to 2 little sperm. So it can go either way, These next 4 months will feel like an eternity and we will be sending GOD lots of prayers his way.

Meds are here & so is my happiness

YAY WE GOT THE HCG SHOTS IN THE MAIL! Kris was so scared, but once he injected himself, he realized the needle was so small. YAY. one step closer.
Also good news, I got a PRN job, its been nice to WORK and show off my SHANDS XRAY SKILLS... didnt realize I would be so good, haha not trying to toot my own horn but i was so scared starting my first job after school, but it was natural and I worked my BUTT off. Hopefully I will find a fulltime soon, but this is good experience for now. Good money too! First day was at the southside office, and the second day was at there orange park office.... tomorrow, Im all alone, with a PICKY doctor and its one busy day, but I know i will do ok, if not, ill be complaining about it on here tomorrow haha....
As everyone said with the whole "SOH situation" : Everything happens for a reason!!! Well Im so glad I work elsewhere. Im so happy, and Im so glad I had a month to just relax and enjoy family and deal with doctors visits with our fertility problem. God really does have a plan, You may not understand it then, and trust me I didnt, I was mad, I cried, I was angry, but now Ive forgiven, yes i just said that.... Ive learned, Ive overcome and I Feel AWESOME! People will always try and hurt you and bring you down, Its your choice weither it effects you or not, it also makes it better when karma shows her ass. :) lol