Finally a positive, finally some HOPE

The fertility Doctor let us explain everything and then said It sounds like you have a rare case called aromatase enzyme deficiency... He said if Kris does have this, then Kris will be his first case. HE gave Kris some Metformin for his pre diabetic issues and then another medication that will get rid of all his estrogen and in turn build the testosterone and sperm, We will go back in October to check his blood work and SA.. and if all is good, BABY MAKING TIME. So excited yet nervous but Happy with this new doctor and his knowledge and drive to want to help. :) I sure hope this is it. He said kris will lose the weight and he will begin to start feeling better real soon. :) SO HAPPY

Good news

KRIS DOES NOT HAVE KLINEFELTERS... YAY... Kris isnt as happy as i am because he still doesnt know whats wrong with him and he just wants a diagnosis.... but OMG im in HEAVEN.

Now just waiting till this afternoon for the fertility appt

Getting ready for the future

Ok, Tuesday is our new Fertility Appointment. If in fact we are told there is NO CHANCE to ever have our own biological child, We will choose Adoption or Donor sperm. So as crazy as I am, Ive put together our adoption video once we deal with an agency, It will already be done, ( and thats how I spend my Saturday nights lol)

Results yet again

Endocrinologist called, the results came back Kris didnt have Klinefelters. YAYYY....BUT.... said he is 80 percent sure he DOES and they might have missed it. OMG!!!!! He says this because he has already done every test known to do and everything has came back negative, So Kris said we will do another blood/karotype test to see for sure. I mean its always something, it cant ever be a FOR sure answer. Still the Doctor is saying that we could pass it on to children. At this moment to help Kris feel better, he is getting on Testosterone shots. That will kill any sperm he has, but if he already doesnt have any... What will it hurt, PLUS I want my husband to FEEL better. We do have a Dr appt with a new Fertility Dr on july 19th. Im so excited because I've heard alot of good things about this doctor. Kris still isnt taking this well, Im suprisingly optimistic for some reason. WE shall see. Im really hoping things start looking up. :)

Wonder what the Future holds

We are still waiting on the Bloodwork to see if Kris has klinefelters or not. Either way its bad news, If it is Klinefelters, yes we have FINALLY figured out what is wrong, on the other hand... biological children really wont be a realistic thing, and Kris will never be 100 percent better as far as health wise. On the good side, we will be able to move forward with getting kris on Testosterone shots and we can move forward with starting a family, what ever it takes.. If it comes back that its NOT Klinefelters, then we will move forward and go to MAYO and start the process all over again..... So either way its not good in our eyes. Its so hard to WAIT. seems like thats all we do. Its depressing. We both are on this emotional rollercoaster. Its very hard to deal with. I was in the grocery store today and saw a woman loving on her little baby, it made me smile and tear up at the same time. I wondered if she had trouble having that baby and if that was her miracle child. I suddenly felt very lonely and ready to go home. This happends alot. When will I feel ok. When will I accept this. We have talked to the Doctor and feel its a good idea to see a councelor. That will help with our emotions and help with how we are coping. Im actually kind of excited. I need someone to talk to....

Never ending.....

EEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ( thats my buzzer lol) WRONG! It was NOT testicular cancer. Not that we wanted it to be, but its like OMG when will we figure out whats wrong with my husand. Now the Endo DR is saying the last thing it could be is Klinefelter syndrome... Which he told us if it is, we will never be able to have our own biological children. Ive read differently online but thats another topic. Kris is going this week to do the Karyotype blood test and who knows how long thats going to take to come back.. UGHHHHHH. Not only that, the real important horrible thing is, the DR said if it is Klinefelters that he will never be 100 perecnt better. he will always deal with low energy and never have the testosterone of his age..
Once we get this blood work back we will be able to make our decision, if it is Klinefelters, We will talk to the RE about ICSI/IVF.... but really who can afford that. But hubby is all for Adoption and very open to DS. So we have some talking to do.. If Bloodwork comes back and its not Klinefelters then we are going to MAYO clinic. We both are still depressed and barely hanging in there in our own bubble, but Ive been super busy with working at two hospitals so it hasnt been to bad. Just so nervous and ready to know the future. I know it will all work out but still dont know WHY us? and then i have friends who have Oppps babies and write me to say i cant ask god why.... REALLYYYY!!!! I really do cherish those friends who have went through the storm to recieve there beautiful gifts and have the right words for me and kris. :) It brings a little peace to my heart.

Something new

Kris and I have been dealing with alot lately so we really havent been worried about our infertiliy. But of course we are still concerned about his Health. So after another ENDO dr appt, We started all over with Blood tests, and Sugar tests and 24 hour pee tests and sleep studies and even wanted Kris to do another MRI of the brain just incase they missed something on the first one. Well the Dr just called Kris and said the Blood work shows that we need have a Ultrasound of his testicles. That He thinks he may have a Tumor. A estrogen producing tumor. Which is why he has the low testosterone and high estrogen and the knots in his boobs and the loss of sperm. I researched about it and its called a leydig cell tumor. As horrible as that sounds, Kris and I both are praying that is what it is, Bc most often these are benign and can be removed with out even removing a testicle. And also after removal of the tumor fertility is restored. So we shall see... :) Glad this DR has looked into everything. Please keep us in your prayers.

Happens every time....

Happen to turn the TV on to JOEL OSTEEN and of course yet again..... the message hit me. Guess God hasnt given up on me which makes me feel so much better....

Jesus said in John 14:27, “I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”
We all face difficult situations and seasons. It’s not a matter of if we face them, but when. And when we do, God has His gift of peace to sustain us and carry us through.
Like the eye of a hurricane offers a stillness and calm to those caught in the midst of the storm, God’s peace will keep you sustained, lifted, and encouraged during life’s adversities. There may be a raging storm today in your health, your finances or your family, but instead of being torn apart, you’ll find right in the center of your storm there is a place where you can stand still and find rest in God.
Are you facing a storm in your life right now? Receive God’s peace and let it sustain and empower you. As you do, you’ll experience a deep sustaining strength and confidence of God’s good plan for your life!

Could you imagine

Effects of low testosterone in men may include: (THIS IS FOR LOW TESTOSTERONE like around 250- so when your husband has 45-168 but it should be 800-1000.... just imagine how worse these symptoms really are, and EVERYTHING on this list he has..... How would you feel?


Poor libido (Low or NO sexual desire)
Fatigue- always tired...ALWAYS
Muscle loss/atrophy
Erectile Dysfunction
Increasing abdominal fat
Glucose intolerance (early diabetes)
High Cholesterol/Lipid
Poor sleep
Difficulty concentrating
Memory Loss
Severe Depression
Anxiety
Psychological and relationship problems
Gynecomastia (large breast with knots)
Hot flashes so strong you throw up
Loss of bone mass (osteoporosis)
Irritability
Infertility
Shrinking of the testicles
Decrease in firmness of testicles
Achy muscles
Liquid stools
Night sweats
Dry skin

Down and out

Trying not to let the devil get to me, trying to put on my big girl panties and snap out of it, but its hard. No one..... No one understands what kris is going through. Its hard to talk to anyone because they truly dont understand and and Im so tired of everyone saying It will happen just relax, or stop stressing.. ARE YOU KIDDING ME...... Can anyone just LISTEN and not say anything. I understand if you havent been through this or been through severe depression, but dont talk to me about it. You have no clue. Its not just about a baby... Of course that is another stressor of course we want a baby but I WANT MY HUSBAND TO GET BETTER..... thats my goal. I want him to be his self again. I want him to not go through all these horrible symptoms and just have one dr who really cares or take it serious. Im tired of being the strong one. im tired of carrying all this on my shoulder. Im not strong like some women.... im weak.. im sensitive. Im lonely. Im helpless. I am so tired of this feeling.
we go March 16th to the second opinion.... and im going to rip into this Dr and explain IM NOT LEAVING until this DR really listens and CARES.
Im not in a good mood today- I feel like God has givin up on me. What have we done so bad to deserve this.We got married, went to school and then tried for a baby... only to find out my husband has to go through all of this.... God blessed 18people.... YEs 18 woman that i know are pregnant right now, so why do all of them get blessed and we dont. I know I should be happy for them, and I am but its hard to know Gods plan. I just feel like God has given up on us... I feel so alone.

Im tired of putting on a fake smile to face the world. Im mad. Im angry and I am tired of not being normal anymore. I want to be happy again. I want to enjoy my husband and enjoy a 9 month pregnancy. Is that to much to ask for? REALLY

I think its hit me hard because Im not in school anymore, Im dont have alot going on anymore so its more time to think about it and research and dwell on all this.
I have faith in God, but right now Im angry. I want to be in that place of peace. The place where Im ok not knowing what the future holds, and that all my faith is in Gods hands and I dont have a care in the world. I want that more than ever. I have my good days and my bad days... but I want to be strong. Why cant I be strong

Ahhh let this be it

Ok so after a really long time researching different meds that can help kris, I called the RE and talked to the nurse and explained we cant afford 7200 dollars for 4 months of medication. So I said Ive been doing a little research and I found a breast cancer medication, tamoxifen that is also used to help sperm count and testosterone for men. She said yeah we carry it. I said well I would like to see if my husband can use that instead of menopur. She said she would ask the dr and get back with me. Well she called back the very next day and said the Dr said that was a great IDEA and good job with the researching. So the best part about this medication is... it does the same thing as menopur and clomid but INSURANCE covers it bc its a Breast cancer medication and not a Fertility medication... So i paid a whopping 12 dollars for a whole months supply of it.

Kris is still skepitcal which is understandable, but im just so proud of myself for researching this and also staying on top of the doctors.. ( tooting my own horn sorry) lol but i have a huge smile on my face... I really hope this helps... But we are going to a second opinion at a new ENDO dr office and Im going to bring this medication up. Usually ENDO doctors want to treat low testosterone with Androgel which didnt do much for kris and it killed all his sperm, so we are going to go in there explaining we want a medication that will WORK for kris but also allow us to have a family.

praying and hoping this is the answer...

Needs prayers

Talked to Dr. He ACTUALLY wants kris on 2 vials of menopur every other day for 4 months thats 120 dollars every other day.. not 60 as we originally thought..which was still expensive... thats a grand total of 7200 dollars.REALLY??? we dont have that... even if i saved forever we wouldnt have that... It like nothing ever goes right.. Nothing! Im still keeping the faith and know whatever happens, happens.... BUT its annoying how there is always a mountain in the way... ALWAYS...
I know everyone else has problems in this world too. but its seriously like everyone and i mean everyone is BLESSED with a healthy husband and is blessed with a baby...or two.
We are good people. ( Sorry Im in a really bad mood)

Nothing New.... Insurance wont accept Menopur.. UGH we need it to make Kris feel better and to get him producing more testosterone and more sperm. We are going to get a second opinion at another ENDO dr. I still dont understand how they havent done a CT on his abdomen just to check his adrenals and pancreas. I know Dr's have tons of patients but why cant you TRY really hard to figure out whats going on with kris, Why cant you want to FIX him right away.

When your at a kid birthday party and there is tons of newborns around and tons of kids running around and your husband tells you that he wishes you could be holding a baby too and that it kills him to see all these little kids, it really hurts your heart, as if its not already hurting... He wants to be a daddy so bad. Im so ready too. We talked about adoption some more and I really want to do it. Even if we have a child on our own, I would love to adopt. Maybe thats why we are going through this...to put that on our hearts. I even told my 16 year old cousin who goes to a highschool that has tons of teenage girls walking around pregnant...that if any of those girls dont want there babies, that i will adopt them and we can go through a private lawyer. Yes, I know, its bad.

Our Fertility dr is having a seminar feb 24th and is giving away a free IVF as a door prize.. Kris and I dont have much luck but we are willing to go and just pray really hard we get it. Even if we dont, atleast its going to someone who really needs it too. :)


BTW, I love love love my new job. Ahhhh the people are so awesome. have you ever went some where and just felt so right... these people are so cool and drama free and Love love love to work hard and also appreciate everyone.. Its just a different atmosphere than im used to and I actually enjoy going to work... haha.



Kris and I started the Love dare. We are on day 3. Its going good. :)
If you have never seen Fire proof. Go see it and do the love dare. Its for any couples.



we are still optimistic that something will go our way this year. Im learning to let go and let god. He has a plan and even though it drives me crazy that he wont let me in on it. I know that he wont let us down and he knows what he is doing and it gives me comfort knowing that. :)




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ&feature=related

True Blessing

A friend of mine Ive known since 2005 from a wedding planning blog, who went through Fertility issues and is now blessed with being pregnant with twins at 13 weeks from her second IUI is going to send me her left over meds, WHICH happens to be the same EXACT meds Kris needs that insurance wont cover. OMG. It will be enough for a week. Which is worth 240 dollars all for FREE. What a Blessing! Not only that but she sent me the most amazing POEM. She said it helped her and when I read this, I cried and cried. It all makes since and I know its all in Gods hands.

WAIT

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."


"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.


"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.


"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."


Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"


He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.


"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.


"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.


"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.


"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.


"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.


"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."