It only hurts when I breathe

So Friday afternoon, Nurse called to give results for sperm analysis and his blood work ... His tesosterone went from a 45 to a 68.... Ummmm not good at all. it should be in the 800's... THEN they gave me the FOUR LETTER WORD no one wants to hear in the infertile world. ZERO! yep, zero sperm. WE kinda already figured just because of the Androgel meds he was on, plus the fact that his testosterone level was SO low. But to hear it, was such a low blow. My husband took it way worse that I did. He kept saying sorry like it was his fault. I explained to him that his sperm will come up, we just have to stay on the shots and one day we will have a baby. We just have to be patient. He didnt want to hear that, he said he wanted a baby now! (ugh... so sad)
Im kinda glad that I have to be the strong one and be positive, because each time I tell him how we will have our own baby one day and that this medicine will work, and to be positive, just makes me believe it more and more. I have my bad days where I just cry. Expecially in the car listening to music, asking god WHY? and I know the right answer is that everything happens for a reason and that we have to be patient, and we need to pray..... ALL THESE THINGS ARE CORRECT, but NOT WHAT WE WANT TO HEAR....
I really dont even know what i want to hear, but each time i tell someone our story or whats new with the situation, I never get what I want to hear. I think its the "If you havent been in my position you have no clue" type thing... i just wish i could see one second of our future just so i know it will happen. It makes it so much harder for me, because i have always loved children and have always wanted a baby. When my mom was pregnant with my brother when i was 13, I read the whole book what to expect when your expecting. Ive always dreamed of being a MOMMY. And it makes it so much harder on kris too, because he knows how bad ive wanted this. He thanked me for being strong and being so positive, because he said he couldnt be positive anymore, he was tired of hearing bad news after bad news. I feel so sad!
The Nurse said we will do a Blood test for the testosterone levels in novemeber, and another sperm analysis in feb 2011. By then hopefully his sperm and testosterone is UP enough for us to try, and HOPEFULLY try natural...but if not I will PAY any amount of money for IVF to have our baby!!! Ive seen one couple who were in the same position as us and there sperm went from ZERO to 56 million on hcg shots, and then Ive seen another couple go from ZERO sperm to 2 little sperm. So it can go either way, These next 4 months will feel like an eternity and we will be sending GOD lots of prayers his way.